Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Slow Down like a good Southerner

An Uncle of Stacey’s pasted last Friday and Monday we flew to Jackson, Mississippi for the funeral. We had to drive about an hour to Bay Springs for the service, kind of a rural area. That should have been a hint right off. Let me back up and tell ya how it all started and just got worse.

We got up at 5:30 a.m. to catch our flight. I needed grooming in a bad way, I have a very hairy face. I got hair coming out of my nose, my ears, hell if I’m not careful I’m gonna have a uni-brow one day. My plan is one day I’m gonna let my facial hair grow til I look like a werewolf, then I’m gonna go have an electrolysis treatment and have them carve out the perfect facial hair pattern. This morning I just wanted to shave and use my electric clippers to trim my goatee. I spent a hundred dollars on these clippers and they worked well at first, then the part that cuts your whiskers started to get loose. Well I forgot about that and at 5:30 a.m. when I went to trim my goatee I turned on the trimmer, put it to my face, a screw fell into the sink and before I could stop I cut all the hair off above my lip, but only on one side. Hell yea, this is gonna be a great day.

I did what I could with my goatee, and we left for the airport. Things went great there as well. For some reason ( Nascar at Atlanta speedway) the airport was really busy and we had to park on row 101, there are 102 rows so we had a long walk. Inside, the security line was longer then I have ever seen it, thank god we can use the employees gate and that didn’t take long at all.

We get to Jackson and rent a car and get directions and I was still in a bad mood. We hit the interstate, go about 1 mile and Stacey has to tell me to exit here. What the hell are you talking about I ask. She tells me the directions say exit here. What? I just listened to the guy and he didn’t say that. Stacey tells me to stop at the gas station and ask if this is the way. Well I’m a man so I make her go in and ask, of course she’s right so off we go again. We drive an hour find the funeral home and decide to get something to eat as we are a little early. Can’t find nothing but fast food and of course I pick one that sucks more then any we have ever been to. So far so good.

We get through the service and go to the cemetery and after that I make the worst decision I have ever made in my whole life. See I know better. I have read the books and talked to the people who have been there and I know better. But I’m on a roll and just can’t help myself. Stacey has called Delta, there is a flight a little earlier then the one we planned on taking home and do I think we should take it or do we want to go to her Uncles church right up the road and eat. See I know better, church food, made by little old ladies in a town of about 500 people, you always eat with them if you get the chance. Not me, I say lets go and catch that earlier flight.

God I am so stupid.

So we go and we have to hurry cause we are cutting it close. We’ve got to drive an hour, fill the rental with gas or they charge $7 a gallon. Then we have to turn in the rental, check in for our flight and get to the gate. We drive, we stop at the gas station and we are stressing by this time. So when I pull up to the pump and realize the gas tank is on the other side of the car it’s a big deal and I let everyone around know. Then when I turn the car around and go to remove the gas cap and realize you open it from the inside of the car it’s a big deal and I let everyone around know. Then when I hit the switch that opens the trunk instead of the gas cap switch and go to open the gas cap and can’t cause I hit the wrong switch it’s a big deal and I have to let everyone around know. I get gas in the car we drive off and Stacey says dammit and I hit the brakes and say WHAT’S WRONG as the trunk pops open. I forgot to close it, it’s a big deal and well you know, I have to let everyone around know. Finally we drop off the car, run inside, check in, head for security and see a long, long line, it’s a big deal and I have to let everyone know. Then Stacey realizes we are in the wrong line, the line we need to go through is clear and we make it to the gate and learn the plane is an hour late. All that pain and suffering for nothing. This is a very big deal and I have to let everyone in this tiny airport know and do so.

The airport is basically shut down cause Obamas’ plane has just landed. He just lost my vote.

Well we finally get to the Atlanta airport and I have been in a bad mood all day long, which puts Stacey in a bad mood. But I fix this by cutting some guy off when he tries to get in front of us when exiting the plane. This is a pet peeve of ours, they are sitting behind you and jump up and stand in the spot where you are supposed to stand. So when I jump up and stand on this guys foot accidentally on purpose, this makes Stacey happy and like that we are both in a good mood for the first time that day. That’ sick isn’t it?

Well we are walking to row 102 to get our car and Stacey calls her Dad, checking to see that he got home o.k. I ask her to ask him if they had fried chicken at the church lunch. Of course they did, along with fried catfish, ham, tater salad, green bean casserole, mac and cheese, cornbread and more. All cooked by little old church ladies in a rural town.That’s what I meant when I said earlier, that should have been a hint right off. God I’m so stupid.

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